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The book mentions the checklist of 267 qualities, values and characteristics of an ideal life partner Mark made for himself after his divorce. The abbreviated list of 100 of these traits is published in Chapter 17 of the book. I appreciate Mark's thoughtfulness in his trying to understand his own expectations so thoroughly and in such detail, but I personally would not care to be assessed against any like checklist - that makes me feel as if I were an item of furniture or other property. What do you think?

I think Mark was compelled to make those checklist after passing through a bitter divorce.
But honestly, there shouldn't be any hard-and-fast rules to love. What works for one may not work for another. Understanding your partner is the paramount.

I definitely would not like that idea either. I understand trying to find the right match, your life partner should be someone you can enjoy being with for many years, but a questionnaire won't always give you the answers you seek. There are so many aspects to a persons personality, qualities, and characteristics. There's no way a questionnaire could truly narrow that all down to the perfect person.

I totally agree with you on this. The list does look like a checklist for selecting some items such as furniture or a car. The fact that Mark made this list shows how concerned he was about finding a way to find that perfect partner. But the list seems funny at places as well as highly subjective too with no clear definition. For example: who calls a person "user friendly"? It could have been used for humor but the if the person of interest reads it, may take offense. Similarly, "slender and radiantly fit"? What if the person loses that "fit" over time? Then there are items like "great personality", "wonderful", "magnanimous" etc. which are not self-explanatory. They are highly subjective. But after reading the whole chapter I feel Mark's point was that you can get what you are looking for and your heart will know what these items mean to you.

Putting a formula on love is not what I would call romantic. I found this rather ridiculous but given the man, not unsurprising. I would propose that "love at first sight" can't be equated with "love at first check-off-the-list" in most successful, loving relationships.

I think creating a checklist like this is a way to set yourself up for failure. Nobody is perfect, so it’s likely that nobody will meet all of his criteria.

Totally agree with you on that topic.
I believe that if he has already made a list of the qualities he is looking for in a person, in my opinion he should express those values ​​to that person. Honestly, it is easy to say what we are looking for in another person, but what we give to that person in return is somethimes more important.

I agree with you! As much as Mark must have had his reasons for the checklist, I would not expect anyone to be understanding of the fact that their qualities had to be checked off on an actual list. Love should be natural as the list would not even guarantee a wonderful marriage.

I am going to go against the grain here and be pro checklist. Mark's is a little extreme in the number of items. But for a person who has a history of making poor partner choices, a basic checklist can help guide them. The list may remind you not to compromise on dating someone who is insulting, borrows money from you, talks down about your hobbies or religion etc.

I am an ardent believer of the fact that everyone should stick to what works for them. However, in this case, I do not believe that a checklist is a solution. We all have what we want in a partner. I totally agree, but checking over 200 qualities on a list? I am not quite sure how that would play out, but I am confident it won't be nice, especially for the other party.

Ms Chet wrote: ↑21 Feb 2023, 09:39 I think Mark was compelled to make those checklist after passing through a bitter divorce.
But honestly, there shouldn't be any hard-and-fast rules to love. What works for one may not work for another. Understanding your partner is the paramount.

I agree, especially about understanding the partner. I also think that if you love a person, you will be lenient to imperfections and choose your battles - after all, no-one is perfect. And then - what if suddenly another person appears who also ticks the whole checklist ? Or the person who previously qualified starts failing on some points, e.g. health or fitness? I think that in personal relationships emotional connection must prevail...

Olga Markova wrote: ↑22 Feb 2023, 12:23

Ms Chet wrote: ↑21 Feb 2023, 09:39 I think Mark was compelled to make those checklist after passing through a bitter divorce.
But honestly, there shouldn't be any hard-and-fast rules to love. What works for one may not work for another. Understanding your partner is the paramount.

I agree, especially about understanding the partner. I also think that if you love a person, you will be lenient to imperfections and choose your battles - after all, no-one is perfect. And then - what if suddenly another person appears who also ticks the whole checklist ? Or the person who previously qualified starts failing on some points, e.g. health or fitness? I think that in personal relationships emotional connection must prevail...

Exactly! That's the whole point.

I think the act of reflection on what Mark wanted was healthy. Taking time to understand what’s important to you and what you want in a partner is a good step to recovering from a divorce. That said, people aren’t perfect and people change. If Mark steadfastly adheres to this list forever, he’s going to have an unhealthy perspective on his marriage.

I agree that I didn’t care for the list. However, in trying to see the positive side, I could see it as a useful tool to reflect on what he values in a partner.

I don’t think there should be any checklist when it comes to matters of the heart. But I think it was caused by his divorce. The list for Mark was a healthy reflection of what he wanted in love.

I think that method might be useful in a moment when you're trying to rationalize something like love, which is not easy to do. But just as knowing the theory does not make you capable of writing beautiful music, love cannot be reduced to a list of qualities.