Official Review: Alice Encore (The Birds of Paradise seri...

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 25 Mar 2014, 20:54

[Following is the official OnlineBookClub.org review of "Alice Encore (The Birds of Paradise series Episode 2)" by Samuel P Jones.]

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I did not read Episode 1 of The Birds of Paradise, entitled Alice. I did read Episode 2, entitled Alice Encore. Whatever Episode 3 is called, I will not be reading it.

The story, written in installments by Samuel P. Jones, is about Sam and Alice, a 50-something man and woman who, unsuccessful in previous relationships, meet online and begin a “relationship” that seems to be based on just one thing – sex. It’s written in first person by Sam. The second installment begins with a brief but explicit review of their online sexual escapades, but the narrative quickly brings us to their second weekend together at Alice’s cottage. What follows after this meeting is about 12 pages of practically nothing but graphic sex (my ebook version is only 19 pages). All I can say is, Ugh.

I don’t know how explicit I can be with this review, but the sex scenes in this installment are about as trite as can be, written with every cliché in the book. To say the writing is unimaginative is a gross understatement. It’s like reading Penthouse Letters or Penthouse Forum. At least there you have some pictures. Here are some examples of the drivel:

- “The scene was romantic, log fire, candles and soft music but the feeling was hardcore sex.” Really? Was this written by an unimaginative 15-year old with raging hormones?
- The phrase “shagging our brains out” is actually used two or three times.
- Continually referring to certain body parts as “firm” and “erect” is neither original nor interesting.
- “We were unable to let each other go, craving the touch, the closeness, and the feel of our lips, tongues, and noses together.” This sentence was bad enough before the “noses” part. Then it went from clichéd to ridiculous.
- Sam actually refers to his “member” in the third person: “She would bring his big bell head almost out of her, and then slide him quickly right back inside of her.” It’s so bad I’m embarrassed to be typing it.
- “Pubic hair covering the smorgasbord of delights that await my mouth, tongue, and fingers.” It’s just excruciatingly bad.

I won't relate the more explicit (in fact, very explicit) language in this review, but it's just as bad.

In the midst of the pubescent-like sex romps that fill the first twelve pages, “Sam” launches into a strange discussion of monogamy, or lack thereof, in the animal kingdom. He then relates research done by an anthropologist on the subject, complete with an explanation of oxytocin and vasopressin. In the very next paragraph he again uses the expression “shagging our brains out,” immediately followed by more graphic sex with all kinds of things being rubbed and stimulated and sliding and moaning and squeezing and pumping. It’s just bizarre, with every overused sex verb thrown in to boot. Later, we get the chemical makeup of semen and why it’s okay, even healthy, for a woman to…well, you get the picture.

About three-quarters of the way through, after the rocking and sliding and pumping, etc., there seems to be some hope (to the reader) that a story may actually be lurking behind all that straddling, thrusting, exploring and rubbing. Because there seem to be some relationship problems between poor Sam and Alice. But the writing doesn’t get any better. It’s still trite and clichéd. The attempt to create some tension and drama falls flat. I just didn’t care about either of them. Too much sex, and too little of anything else. The last two paragraphs are the most interesting out of this entire mess, as they create some anticipation and drama that won’t be resolved until Part 3. But more likely than not, a few paragraphs into the next installment will see Sam and Alice once again spurting, gasping, pushing, sucking….

I give this one out of four stars. It’s embarrassingly bad. I won’t be around for the next installment. But somehow I think Sam and Alice will be back at it, knocking boots like a couple of teenagers once again.

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Buy "Alice Encore (The Birds of Paradise series Episode 2)" on Amazon

SidnayC · Post by **SidnayC** » 07 Jul 2014, 13:43

Your review was hilarious as well as very informative!
The line; “We were unable to let each other go, craving the touch, the closeness, and the feel of our lips, tongues, and noses together" will now forever be implanted in my memory.

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 09 Jul 2014, 06:53

Thanks; the writing is pretty bad, and so many phrases and sentences just made me groan. It's just awful. Self publishing is good in that it allows many writers to make their work accessible to the public, but it has put a lot of bad/mediocre writing out there.

gali · Post by **gali** » 09 Jul 2014, 08:53

Thank you for the well written review! I will pass, but you made me smile with your descriptions.

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 09 Jul 2014, 09:43

Thanks

Yes, PLEASE pass on this one! Read it if you want badly written graphic sex, but my sense is you're a lot classier than that.

gali · Post by **gali** » 09 Jul 2014, 09:45

PashaRu wrote:Thanks Yes, PLEASE pass on this one! Read it if you want badly written graphic sex, but my sense is you're a lot classier than that.

lol indeed and badly written graphic sex scenes (or even good ones) aren't my cup of tea.

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 09 Jul 2014, 15:08

gali wrote:
PashaRu wrote:Thanks Yes, PLEASE pass on this one! Read it if you want badly written graphic sex, but my sense is you're a lot classier than that.
lol indeed and badly written graphic sex scenes (or even good ones) aren't my cup of tea.

Mine either. When I chose the book for review I didn't realize there would be so many "firm" and "erect" things and so much panting, pushing, sliding, squirting, etc. I needed some serious "mental floss" after reading it.

Stevefromtheblock · Post by **Stevefromtheblock** » 26 Dec 2014, 21:02

Wow, I guess you didn't like this book! Not really my favorite genre either, but your review is good and kind of funny.

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 26 Dec 2014, 21:08

Thanks. I really hated this book.

ALynnPowers · Post by **ALynnPowers** » 27 Dec 2014, 09:05

Your review gives me a pretty good idea of what to expect in this book, and I'm not really sure that Sam, Alice, and I are ready for that kind of relationship. I would have died from embarrassment if I'd had to write this review. But thanks for writing it and give me a good laugh.

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 27 Dec 2014, 18:34

Donttouchthemustache!

ALynnPowers · Post by **ALynnPowers** » 04 Jan 2015, 01:43

I especially love how you very plainly point out that you are not going to read the next book. The intonation here could be interpreted as kind of rude, but instead, it just comes across as hilarious.

Skillian · Post by **Skillian** » 04 Jan 2015, 01:56

Oh man. This review and the comments that followed really made me laugh. Greatness!

PashaRu · Post by **PashaRu** » 04 Jan 2015, 07:43

ALynnPowers wrote:I especially love how you very plainly point out that you are not going to read the next book. The intonation here could be interpreted as kind of rude, but instead, it just comes across as hilarious.

It just came out. I remember the strong feeling of disdain I had when I finished this book.

-- 04 Jan 2015, 07:47 --