The Snake in the Grass

[mysticmechanika]

Never fully comprehending why they would ever open their home to someone who they were well aware was unhealthy and dangerous. She held a heart of putrid muck, and home to a pernicious soul. The very presence of her set your hair on edge, muscles you didn't know existed constrained and tensed when you were in the same room. That was the affect of her without catching a glimpse of her fake smile and doll like makeup. Her lips were often a color unbecoming and suggesting a less then reputable kind of work. Every time she spoke a frightful headache would form and her lies would ooze into the room. Sticky, and unrelenting you were captured, not by the elegance of her nature, but somehow she had coiled herself around you. Others have trusted her and found the coils that once felt warm and friendly were now strangling them, they struggled to be released but the coils would only tighten. Struggling for breath, that's when she would strike, fangs sinking into your skin she would release just enough poison to watch you stumble and mumble to your superiors about what happened. Too late! Delirious and humiliated you fall, and all you see are backs turned to you and heads shaking.
She was the snake hiding in a bush waiting to strike - always thinking she was the clever one. Taking advantage of others hard work but never realizing her venom would eventually run dry, bridges having been burned, she would be left stranded and desolate in an empty field. Vultures will circle the sky and descend because she would be presented as easy prey
And me, being the Lion, will be sitting on my rock. Wearily watching all this occur again and again. You would think, eventually they would learn. The Lioness chuckled to herself, some snakes have been brave enough to approach her and each attempt they made to strike her was denied by a swift and soft pat on their heads.

[Natasha_Smith]

Not bad! It's clear that you have a very descriptive language. My only suggestion is that the first sentence feels a bit like a run-on sentence. I would suggest revising to 'I never fully comprehended why anyone would open their home to someone who was clearly unhealthy and dangerous.' That would also tighten it up a bit.

[mysticmechanika]

Thanks Natasha for the advise.

[smhawkins]

Like Natasha, I can evidently see that you have an extensive vocabulary.

I get the general gist of what you're going for - and it's clever. However, I'd also think about revising your first line. Set a scene. Use more imagery to show your readers exactly what is going on. For example, rather than "her lips were often a color unbecoming", as a reader, I'd like to know what color they WERE. Also, if you're trying to be allegorical using a snake to really talk about a woman, I would use more language and imagery that is "serpentine" in nature. I felt like I couldn't quite see that until the "she would strike, fangs sinking into your skin..." bit.

Overall a good start

[mortman1280]

Not Bad The First sentence needs work

[ebeth]

Not bad thanks for the story