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I don't remember
Posted: 13 Mar 2020, 22:49
by davidvan1973
I don’t remember . . . It's one of the many lies I tell myself. I don’t remember when I became numb to the blood. Lie – it was the third time.
I don’t remember when I first laughed at it. Lie – it was the fifth time.
I don’t remember how old I was when I first had the idea. Lie – I was nineteen years 4 months and 6 days old.
I don’t remember how many. Honestly, even I laugh at that statement.
FBI Special Agent Hagens fails to see the humor in it. He shifts in his chair, looking everywhere in the room except for me. “A ballpark figure?” he says.
“For what?” I said. My face blank, eyes pleading for more clarity on his question.
Special Agent Hagens throws his pen on his notebook. His face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck.
I don’t remember how many times I’ve made him upset. Lie – 18 times in the last 32 hours.
“Women! For f*ck’s sake.”
“Killed? Kidnapped? Raped?” My lip curls upward just a little bit. I don’t want to overdo it and tip them off as to how much I’m loving this. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago. Her name was Cheryl. She added 1 to each of the categories.
Special Agent Hagens sat shaking his head, which I was certain was about to explode. His hands flexed into fists several times. I could smell the rage simmering just below his skin.
I don’t remember seeing anyone this close to total loss of control. Lie – The first time. I’ll never forget my rage-filled face staring back at me in the mirror. 22 years 2 months 16 days – I glance at the ticking clock on the wall behind Special Agent Hagens. 22 years 2 months 16 days 4 hours and 15 minutes.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 15 Mar 2020, 08:04
by DATo
Very interesting structure! Often people who get too experimental with their writing drop the ball with a loud bang, but you did a nice job with this. My compliments.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 22 Mar 2020, 16:40
by Tygrett
Somehow I felt it predictable. Like a mental illness completely consumed with numbers or dates, minutes or seconds. At first, the reading was refreshing then turned monotonous. It was the numbers...overplayed.
The first 2 sentences tell us he is a pathological liar, a serial trait.
...became numb to the blood" is a great opportunity to expand on gore and the horror of what his crime scenes looked like, smelled like and the ultimate fusion or confusion lingering between life and death. The power he had and his desire for control. The victim(s)? Their breathing, fear, or thoughts. TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE! Let me see it, feel it and taste it. For a split second, I want to be that killer if only to understand him.
I love the third sentence where he knows exactly how long he's been on this earth, yet "I don't remember". Brilliant contrast!
I want to see Agent Hagens down to the little flecks of skin he pulls from his fingernails during anxious times and his cubical with the American flag and photos of his ex-wife and kids.
..."face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck." I want to see more. His respiratory rate increases and those veins pounding from the arterial flow behind them, the sheen of fresh sweat, the subtle cringe on his face of disgust and disillusion.
..."I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago." The very best sentence of the entire piece! He's in control, he knows how many seconds since he felt alive. It is his fuel, passion, will and this sentence says that. Then I knew something like: "Her name was Cheryl.", was next. Predictable in an unpredictable environment; an "investigation" where they are seeking the truth. Again, I wanted more anticipation before that spoiler though clever, just not clever enough.
Go deeper into his mind. Spend your next day off work waking up like him. Start from the dream that woke him up from deep REM sleep and brought him to the surface where he skimmed reality and hadn't fully opened his eyes in his delusions.
Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. It was inspiring!
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 23 Mar 2020, 00:50
by Simran_august12
excellent piece of writing. the short sentences, the stuccato writing style; works for me!
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 03 Apr 2020, 23:21
by Coolfrets
I liked how it was somewhat predictable but yet different and interesting. You managed to put a decent amount of work into only a little bit of writing and for that, I say good job!
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 04 Apr 2020, 11:56
by Frannie Annie
This guy was creepy and fascinating at the same time. Good job!
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 18 May 2020, 01:24
by Sumansona1344
Tygrett wrote: ↑22 Mar 2020, 16:40
Somehow I felt it predictable. Like a mental illness completely consumed with numbers or dates, minutes or seconds. At first, the reading was refreshing then turned monotonous. It was the numbers...overplayed.
The first 2 sentences tell us he is a pathological liar, a serial trait.
...became numb to the blood" is a great opportunity to expand on gore and the horror of what his crime scenes looked like, smelled like and the ultimate fusion or confusion lingering between life and death. The power he had and his desire for control. The victim(s)? Their breathing, fear, or thoughts. TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE! Let me see it, feel it and taste it. For a split second, I want to be that killer if only to understand him.
I love the third sentence where he knows exactly how long he's been on this earth, yet "I don't remember". Brilliant contrast!
I want to see Agent Hagens down to the little flecks of skin he pulls from his fingernails during anxious times and his cubical with the American flag and photos of his ex-wife and kids.
..."face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck." I want to see more. His respiratory rate increases and those veins pounding from the arterial flow behind them, the sheen of fresh sweat, the subtle cringe on his face of disgust and disillusion.
..."I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago." The very best sentence of the entire piece! He's in control, he knows how many seconds since he felt alive. It is his fuel, passion, will and this sentence says that. Then I knew something like: "Her name was Cheryl.", was next. Predictable in an unpredictable environment; an "investigation" where they are seeking the truth. Again, I wanted more anticipation before that spoiler though clever, just not clever enough.
Go deeper into his mind. Spend your next day off work waking up like him. Start from the dream that woke him up from deep REM sleep and brought him to the surface where he skimmed reality and hadn't fully opened his eyes in his delusions.
Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. It was inspiring!
I really liked how you explained this! I agree with you at lot of points. The starting was peedictable and I also wanted to know the murderer. Like really know him from inside - what made him this way? What did he do? What does he really feel deep inside? I got curious about his personality.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 13 Jun 2020, 19:31
by RachelEmmanuel
Such a creepy character. You described him artfully without an excess of words.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 15 Jun 2020, 16:26
by Elvis Best
Pretty creepy stuff, but entertaining and deep.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 16 Jun 2020, 02:31
by Amalia Lantano
I feel like its incomplete.. but I guess that is the beauty of short stories.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 25 Jun 2020, 03:29
by Joseph_ngaruiya
DATo wrote: ↑15 Mar 2020, 08:04
Very interesting structure! Often people who get too experimental with their writing drop the ball with a loud bang, but you did a nice job with this. My compliments.
Quite engaging, I like it too.
Re: I don't remember
Posted: 07 Aug 2020, 06:44
by shamayelnur
the story was really interesting. and the open ended plot is a pleasurable cliffhanger