Did this book change your perspective on 'the cheater' in any way?

[Karina Nowak]

I honestly feel that either the protagonist or his wife could have had an affair. They both were at the end of their rope and I was just waiting to see who would let go first.

But by the time it happened, I thought I would be mad and annoyed, but I just felt so sorry for him. He was so unhappy with his life, living in a relationship with a partner he couldn't communicate with and wasn't even sure loved him anymore, and stifled by his responsibility and what he thought others expected of him.

In other words, never in my life did I think I would feel sorry for a cheater, and I did. I really did. The author really made you feel what the protagonist was feeling and showed the progression of his overwhelming happiness at the beginning of his relationship to how it slowly fell apart.

So although we aren't saying that cheating is okay, it isn't. I came away with an understanding that a person can't be in their right frame of mind to cheat. They are most likely desperate and hurting and so off-balanced emotionally that they submit to something that can hurt others and themselves just to feel good about themselves and their life again for a moment.

What are your thoughts? Did this book give you any insight into why a person might cheat? Did you feel sorry for the protagonist at all? Or, like him, did you think it was all his fault and he got what he deserved?

[DorcasToo]

Yes. It's not okay to justify cheating but when people are unhappy in marriage it eventually happens. When there's somebody else gives you happiness and peace you lack in your marriage or relationship, you automatically lean towards them. And this is the case here.

[DonnaKay]

Yes. It's not okay to justify cheating but when people are unhappy in marriage it eventually happens. When there's somebody else gives you happiness and peace you lack in your marriage or relationship, you automatically lean towards them. And this is the case here.

I totally agree with you. Cheating would eventually happen in an unhappy marriage.

[DorcasToo]

Yes. It's not okay to justify cheating but when people are unhappy in marriage it eventually happens. When there's somebody else gives you happiness and peace you lack in your marriage or relationship, you automatically lean towards them. And this is the case here.

Especially when people are hypocritical pretending to be happy when they are sad.
I totally agree with you. Cheating would eventually happen in an unhappy marriage.

[unamilagra]

I honestly still have a hard time really feeling sorry for him or thinking he was justified. Yes, his wife was not supportive, but she was run ragged taking care of three kids while he went gallivanting off on vacations. I never really noticed him going out of his way to make her feel loved either. Plus, in modern society, it's really not that hard to get a divorce if you aren't happy. Yes, he was weak, and I don't think his actions made him less likable as a character, but I still think you should end one relationship before you start the next.

[Brenda Creech]

I have to say I did feel sorry for him, but there is no justification for cheating in my mind. You can always leave a relationship if you're not happy. He said how bad he felt about it but he kept going back. It wasn't just a one-time thing that he felt guilt over. I actually understand why he did it at the "moment" but I can't understand why he kept cheating and didn't stop until Rachael confronted him.

[Karina Nowak]

I have to say I did feel sorry for him, but there is no justification for cheating in my mind. You can always leave a relationship if you're not happy. He said how bad he felt about it but he kept going back. It wasn't just a one-time thing that he felt guilt over. I actually understand why he did it at the "moment" but I can't understand why he kept cheating and didn't stop until Rachael confronted him.

Continuing to meet the other woman is what really had me on the fence too. I was like, end it with your wife or end it with her already! You're not happy at home and you feel sick about cheating after you've been with this other woman so why are you doing ANY of this? It's why I came to the conclusion that he had to be so emotionally frustrated that logic was beyond him at this point.

I honestly believe that had he opened up to any of his friends before Rachel caught him things might have ended a little differently. He may have found the clarity of mind he needed in their council and ended it with the other woman and bravely confronted his wife about their situation. Keeping it to himself just kept the pressure on him to hide it from everyone and the stupid decisions to continue.

But I guess that is the underlying message of the book, of these men creating these support systems where they can be open with and depend on each other no matter what.

[NetMassimo]

It's not surprising tha someone can look for some real connection with someone else when his/her relationship still exists just for appearance. In the narrator's case, he's at fault because he's at least in part responsible for his marriage's failing, but he doesn't seem able to put any more effort in it. He's behaving like a human, with desires and flaws so I can feel sorry for him and at the same time reckon that he brought it on himself.

[Brenda Creech]

I have to say I did feel sorry for him, but there is no justification for cheating in my mind. You can always leave a relationship if you're not happy. He said how bad he felt about it but he kept going back. It wasn't just a one-time thing that he felt guilt over. I actually understand why he did it at the "moment" but I can't understand why he kept cheating and didn't stop until Rachael confronted him.

Continuing to meet the other woman is what really had me on the fence too. I was like, end it with your wife or end it with her already! You're not happy at home and you feel sick about cheating after you've been with this other woman so why are you doing ANY of this? It's why I came to the conclusion that he had to be so emotionally frustrated that logic was beyond him at this point.

I honestly believe that had he opened up to any of his friends before Rachel caught him things might have ended a little differently. He may have found the clarity of mind he needed in their council and ended it with the other woman and bravely confronted his wife about their situation. Keeping it to himself just kept the pressure on him to hide it from everyone and the stupid decisions to continue.

But I guess that is the underlying message of the book, of these men creating these support systems where they can be open with and depend on each other no matter what.

I agree that things would have turned out differently if he had opened up to one of his friends. I think he would have ended the affair (if you can call it that), much sooner.

[Frannie Annie]

I think you are right in that most people who cheat are hurting and in a bad state of mind. They seek comfort in another person's arms for a number of reasons, and I understand why the protagonist did it.

That said, I felt very little sympathy for him, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he cheated. I hate the way he wallowed in his pity instead of trying to take pride in his day to day life. He was unhappy, and was never upfront with himself or Rachel as to why. He ignored the unhappiness inside him because he thought it was "the right thing to do." He did nothing to change his regular life until it blew up in his face. He let himself die inside until he got to the point where he cheated, and that is 100% his fault. Even though Rachel was not supportive, he could have done small things to give himself happiness. He could have taken the more fulfilling job, or exercised regularly if he didn't like his fat.

I will admit, I see a little of myself in this guy. I was once on an engineering track that made me miserable because it's what my family wanted. I stayed in a miserable relationship because I thought that's what people did. I was surrounded by unsupportive people that would not allow me to act on my true feelings, and I tried to give myself over to a life that didn't feel like my own. In the end, I couldn't. I failed my engineering courses and a number of other majors that made me miserable, which "let" me find one I could stick with. I finally got the courage to break things off with my ex because I started having feelings for a guy that I have happily been with for over 5 years now. I hold myself responsible for going along with things that I knew weren't good for me, and I don't understand how the protagonist was able to abuse himself for this long. Or, perhaps I subconsciously do and that is why I feel such an utter lack of respect for him.

[Frannie Annie]

I honestly still have a hard time really feeling sorry for him or thinking he was justified. Yes, his wife was not supportive, but she was run ragged taking care of three kids while he went gallivanting off on vacations. I never really noticed him going out of his way to make her feel loved either. Plus, in modern society, it's really not that hard to get a divorce if you aren't happy. Yes, he was weak, and I don't think his actions made him less likable as a character, but I still think you should end one relationship before you start the next.

I also noticed that he didn't do anything special for his wife. I figured he was too exhausted after work and too dead inside to try, but I do wonder if Rachel would have been nicer to him if he had taken the time to romance her. I agree that he should have ended his relationship when he realized he liked Lara. Even if it was just a phase, that should have been a wake up call that his current relationship was dead.

[Frannie Annie]

It's not surprising tha someone can look for some real connection with someone else when his/her relationship still exists just for appearance. In the narrator's case, he's at fault because he's at least in part responsible for his marriage's failing, but he doesn't seem able to put any more effort in it. He's behaving like a human, with desires and flaws so I can feel sorry for him and at the same time reckon that he brought it on himself.

That's a good way of looking at it.

[Maria Esposito]

The book did not change my opinion about cheating because I still think that communication is crucial in a couple, and the main character should have communicated his misery to his wife no matter how unready or unhappy she was to hear it. But I did find myself VERY frustrated with Rachel's behavior and her total lack of interest in her husband's wellbeing. Even when he initiated communication or intimacy, she blatantly brushed it off as if it did not matter to her. I don't think you're supposed to treat your partner like that. That's no justification to cheating, but I do understand why he would do so at this point.

Also, the fact that Rachel was at home with 3 kids also does not take away that her husband worked long, stressful and miserable hours at a job that he was not happy at to maintain a comfortable lifestyle for her and their kids. I would be totally fine and encouraging toward my husband taking a single week off from work and family, and especially given the stressful lifestyle that the main character leads.

[djr6090]

The thought crossed my mind that Rachael may have had an affair herself that the reader never knew about. I mean, the main character was so wrapped up in himself, he wouldn't have noticed.

[NetMassimo]

The thought crossed my mind that Rachael may have had an affair herself that the reader never knew about. I mean, the main character was so wrapped up in himself, he wouldn't have noticed.

That's an interesting statement. I didn't think about that because Rachel seemed to me very busy with her children, but maybe there was a point when they went to kindergarden / school and she found the time to have an affair too.