Jokes, Funny, And Happy Things Thread

[ylisa7]

I love to smile and laugh…so share what makes you smile…..


Getting Older:
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
*******
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
*******
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
She replied, 'No peer pressure.'
*******
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation; I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, I've lost all my friends...
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
*******
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
*******
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
*******
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker .
*******
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
*******

[suzy1124]

good ones !

Joan Rivers, " Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day, at my age an affair of the heart is a bypass "

[rssllue]

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do. ~ Golda Meir

Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. ~ Regina Brett

I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. ~ Francis Bacon

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Old age is no place for sissies. ~ Bette Davis

[ylisa7]

And now we are showing our ages, lol.

I have always gotten a kick out of this one:

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

-- 20 Nov 2014, 09:28 --

This picture just makes me smile:

[rssllue]

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry Pratchett

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ~ Bill Cosby

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~ Elayne Boosler

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. ~ Albert Einstein

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. ~ Bill Vaughan

[Skillian]

[rssllue]

Happy animals! Everybody make way!

[Skillian]

Happy animals! Everybody make way!

[ylisa7]

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~ Elayne Boosler

LOL…that is good.


I love seeing happy animals, smiling children and old people holding hands



15 Things I've Learned From Life...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[ALynnPowers]

Anything Brian Regan says makes me laugh nonstop.

[Gravy]

[ALynnPowers]

Hahahaha, that is awesome!!!

[ylisa7]

[TammyO]

Tongue Twisters I dare you to say with a straight face... hehe Try saying each one ten times

1. Giggly gladiator

2. Selfish shellfish

3. Snatched stacked snacks

4. Cheap cheese stinks

[ylisa7]

The S ones get me every time.