How do you deal with nice people who are racists?

[debbiebee]

First off, apologies for treating this like an agony aunt or uncle column! And no, the question isn't meant ironically. The thing is I know a lady who frequently uses terms and invokes stereotypes that I find unacceptable. It would be easy to say that to do that a person MUST be horrible, but she honestly isn't. She has been kindness itself to me over my own recent troubles, if there's an appeal following an earthquake or tsunami or whatever anywhere in the world she supports it, and I'm fairly sure if a person of whatever ethnicity was having a crisis she'd offer tea and sympathy without a second thought. Our local newsagent is Indian, and they get on famously. I tell myself I have no right to be bothered if he isn't, but I still find conversations with her uncomfortable at times and end up doing a lot of subject-changing. Do I confront her about it or not??

[Fran]

IMO of course you confront her and you might just find that she isn't really aware of how objectionable her comments are. By ignoring her comments you are tacitly agreeing with her and very likely encouraging her.
BTW How do you know your local newsagent doesn't find her equally as offensive? Possibly he feels he has to protect his business and must grin and bear it however offensive this woman is behaving.

We should all take on racist, homophobic, misogynist or sectarian comments whenever we encounter them.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Jeepers. I agree with Fran. You tell her. I can't understand her behaviour. And I think you DO have a right to be bothered. Tell yourself that! It's so easy to think sometimes that the virtuous path is to say nothing and be tolerant of intolerance. It seems polite and nonconfrontational. But I think it can be even more virtuous to confront it face on.

Thanks for asking! I love pretending that I'm an advice columnist!! What fun!

[TammyO]

This is quite fun! I would definitely speak to her about it. She doesn't sound like a racist person at all. She may not be aware that some of her comments are offensive. When she speaks to you, she may just think that she can say certain things because you are a friend. But if she supports certain causes and is empathetic in the way that you said, I really don't think she is racist.

Some of the nicest people say the silliest things; I agree with Fran and Zelda, It's good to get things out in the open. I'd definitely speak to her about my feelings. I hope this helps in some way. You might just be the one who helps her see the error of her ways.

[bluejay__way]

I wouldn't confront her about her opinions, but, if I were you, I would make it clear that I disagree with the lady, politely, of course, and ask that she refrain from using any slurs or mentions of said race. If she doesn't, then mention it to her again, but avoid confronting her when it comes to a 'I'll change your opinion' or 'Can't you see how that's wrong' sort of way because, sadly, most people, no matter how nice they are, do get offended when you bring up how wrong they've been behaving.

[gali]

Isn't nice and racists an oxymoron?

I agree with Fran as well and I would have confronted her about her opinions. If you stay silent, it is a sign of agreement. The world would have been a much better place if people took a stand.

I personally I stay away from such people, since I don't want them as my friends. Some people are set on their way and won't listen to reason.

-- February 27th, 2015, 5:49 am --

We should all take on racist, homophobic, misogynist or sectarian comments whenever we encounter them.

Ditto!

[Duende Knocking]

Confront her about it and if she gets angry/tells you off and/or continues to purposefully do it, then distance yourself from her. She might be "nice" in some respects, but people who willfully exhibit aggressive racism to that degree really are not nice. Most all of us do or say racist things unawares because of how much racism is engrained in our society and upbringing and while this is an issue that should also be addressed and discussed, I feel like racist slurs are another story entirely.

[gali]

Confront her about it and if she gets angry/tells you off and/or continues to purposefully do it, then distance yourself from her. She might be "nice" in some respects, but people who willfully exhibit aggressive racism to that degree really are not nice. Most all of us do or say racist things unawares because of how much racism is engrained in our society and upbringing and while this is an issue that should also be addressed and discussed, I feel like racist slurs are another story entirely.

I agree with you.

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

I have never met anyone who was racist...and also a nice person. The two seem, to me, to be mutually exclusive.

[suzy1124]

Sounds like an absolute PHONY who portrays herself one way, but acts quite differently ( sort of like Obama )

[gracepine11]

My sister's friend is racist. He is crazy!!

He just plays around though. I don't think that he is really racist. Wait, let me check on that...

[zeldas_lullaby]

I'm in complete agreement with Suzy. I think the word PHONY is perfect. That's how someone seems nice, but they really aren't. I hate phonies!

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

I don't.

[suzy1124]

True it is Zelda!...

[zeldas_lullaby]

Yeah!