Jokes, Funny, And Happy Things Thread

[Bighuey]

A family of potatos were discussing who they would like to be. Papa Potato said I want to be Clark Gable. Mama Potato said I want to be Lana Turner. They asked Baby Potato who he wanted to be he said Rush Linbaugh. The parents were horrified, they said you dont really want to be Rush Limbaugh, he's just a commentater.

That one was from the vaults.

[Fran]

A family of potatos were discussing who they would like to be. Papa Potato said I want to be Clark Gable. Mama Potato said I want to be Lana Turner. They asked Baby Potato who he wanted to be he said Rush Linbaugh. The parents were horrified, they said you dont really want to be Rush Limbaugh, he's just a commentater.

That one was from the vaults.

[gracepine11]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:



On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (the only time I have to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what? Outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash. Are there peas inside too?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

[Bighuey]

I dont know, but I think they need those labels for some people.

[Fran]

@gracepine11
All a consequence of the "litigation culture"

[gracepine11]

What is 'litigation culture'?

[Bighuey]

Thats like the urban legend that may or not be true. I think it is true. Years ago when cars first came out with automatic transmissions if they wouldnt start you could start them by pushing them the same you would a standard shift car. But you had to get them going 35 or 40 miles an hour before the engine would turn over. The story goes that a man was stalled along the side of the road, his car wouldnt start. He flagged a woman down and asked if she could give him a push to get his car started. He said its a new car with an automatic transmission and you will have to get up to 35 or 40 miles an hour to start it. The woman said no problem. The guy got back into his car, turned the key on and put the car in the drive gear. He looked behind him and he didnt see the womans car. A few seconds later he saw her car and sure enough, she was going 40 miles an hour right straight for the back of his car. He jumped out just in time.

[ALynnPowers]

Thats like the urban legend that may or not be true. I think it is true. Years ago when cars first came out with automatic transmissions if they wouldnt start you could start them by pushing them the same you would a standard shift car. But you had to get them going 35 or 40 miles an hour before the engine would turn over. The story goes that a man was stalled along the side of the road, his car wouldnt start. He flagged a woman down and asked if she could give him a push to get his car started. He said its a new car with an automatic transmission and you will have to get up to 35 or 40 miles an hour to start it. The woman said no problem. The guy got back into his car, turned the key on and put the car in the drive gear. He looked behind him and he didnt see the womans car. A few seconds later he saw her car and sure enough, she was going 40 miles an hour right straight for the back of his car. He jumped out just in time.

This one is definitely true. I've heard it before.

[Bighuey]

Heres one that is supposed to be based on a true story. An urban legend.

During the great depression a man was going down a street stopping at houses asking for work. He came to a house of commercialized romance and asked for work. The madam said yes, we need a bookkeeper. The man said I couldnt do that, I cant read or write. He went on his way and came into the city where he saw a man selling apples on a street corner. He got to talking to the guy and asked him if he was doing any good selling apples. He said yes, I do OK. I buy the apples for 3 cents and sell them for 5 cents. I make a little money. The first guy said I think Ill try that. He bought some apples and set up a stand on a street corner and started selling apples. He did good at it, he worked hard and saved his money until he had enough to buy a small grocery store. He did very good in the store and bought another store. After quite a few years the man owned a chain of super markets and was a multi-millionaire. He was being interviewed by a reporter and the reporter said I heard you cant read or write. Is that true? The millionaire said yes thats true. The reporter said good lord, man if you knew how to read and write you would be even more successful than you are now. The man said no, I dont think so. For you see, if I could read or write I would have just ended up as a bookkeeper in a whorehouse.

[bluemel4]

Heres one that is supposed to be based on a true story. An urban legend.

During the great depression a man was going down a street stopping at houses asking for work. He came to a house of commercialized romance and asked for work. The madam said yes, we need a bookkeeper. The man said I couldnt do that, I cant read or write. He went on his way and came into the city where he saw a man selling apples on a street corner. He got to talking to the guy and asked him if he was doing any good selling apples. He said yes, I do OK. I buy the apples for 3 cents and sell them for 5 cents. I make a little money. The first guy said I think Ill try that. He bought some apples and set up a stand on a street corner and started selling apples. He did good at it, he worked hard and saved his money until he had enough to buy a small grocery store. He did very good in the store and bought another store. After quite a few years the man owned a chain of super markets and was a multi-millionaire. He was being interviewed by a reporter and the reporter said I heard you cant read or write. Is that true? The millionaire said yes thats true. The reporter said good lord, man if you knew how to read and write you would be even more successful than you are now. The man said no, I dont think so. For you see, if I could read or write I would have just ended up as a bookkeeper in a whorehouse.

I just had a spit take while reading this and drinking. So funny!

-- Sat May 30, 2015 7:12 pm --

Weird warning I read was a curling iron said "Do not put in eye". Why in the world would anyone put a curling iron near your eye? It's a friggin hot thing!

[Bighuey]

That is weird. Talking of stupid comments, thats like someone dropping a cinder block on their foot and are hopping around in pain and some idiot asks does it hurt?

[bluemel4]

They could have that rare condition where they do not feel pain? I always liked the warning on the food you are about to eat saying that it contains the food you are about to eat. Like Milk saying may contain dairy.

[ALynnPowers]

Anyone need a cushion for their raptop so their rap doesn't get hot?

[Bighuey]

Something I heard on the news this morning. Theres a rumor that the Chinese are developing chickens with 4 wings and 6 legs. They deny it, but you never know, it could be possible.

[bluemel4]

This is the first joke I learned.

What did the burp say to the other burp? Lets go out the other end and be stinkers.