Jokes!

[andr70]

I loved this part: "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
That was really funny

[Kosmex5]

How to TICK people OFF

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

[Kosmex5]

Man versus Wife:

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

[B_elk123]

Hahaha

[LoveMusic_AK]

A mushroom walked into a party and the pepper said to the tomato, "he must be a FUNGI."

[DATo]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off. ''Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again'!

[Randomgold]

A man is wandering through the desert, about to die of thirst. He stumbles through the sand and comes to a seemingly random vendor. The dying man runs up to the vendor and asks for a drink of water.
"Sorry, I don't have water. But I do have ties. Would you like to buy a tie?"
"No, I don't need a tie. I need water."
"Sorry, can't help you. But, if you keep going in that direction, you'll reach a restaurant. I'm sure they'll be able to give you some water."
The thirsty man thanks the vendor and goes on his way. A few hours later, the man shows back up at the tie merchant.
"What's wrong? Didn't you find the restaurant?" The vendor asked.
"Oh no, I found it just fine. But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[rssllue]

Tie a yellow ribbon or they won't soak me.

[DATo]

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
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In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
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You read about all these terrorists; most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
=================================

[Gravy]

[DATo]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

[DATo]

And the Lord said to Lazarus, "COME FORTH AND RECEIVE ETERNAL LIFE!!!" ....... but Lazarus came fifth and all he got was a toaster.

[rssllue]

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Some 10,000 soles were lost.

The police said some heels started it.

[Lynnfrmphx]

Lmao that was a great joke !! Thanks for sharing

[rssllue]